Trying to Deal

As many of you know from facebook or my past post we are on vacation right now in Palm Desert, California! We have had a blast and went to San Diego for a couple of days as well...its been a great time seeing Kyler in a different environment than at home and experiencing all these new things for him. I will post on it more when we get home.
As for what this post is about though, I've been contemplating even sharing what has went on with me but as I sit here in the room all by myself I'm filled with all sorts of emotions and feel I just need to get things off my mind somewhere and so this is where I picked to do so. I'm not sharing this to get peoples pity or for people to feel sorry for me..thats not what I want!! I just am trying to get past this and hoping this may help.
It maybe premature to some, since I haven't actually been to the doctor to confirm it..but have talked to her and I'm about 98% sure I miscarried this past weekend and from what my doctor said to her it sounds like I did as well. I would have never thought it would affect me so much, especially since I really didn't know I was pregnant. I felt like I was but I had tested about 4 weeks ago and it said No, but I would have only been around 3 weeks at that time so I wasn't sure if it would have been able to pick it up yet. I figured I'd wait and see if I was late and then I'd test again..this type of testing thing happened when I was pregnant with Kyler so I just thought we'll wait and see. I won't get into alot of detail about what exactly happened since its kinda TMI and I'm sure it would make some people sick. When I talked to my doctor she told me I could test again even though I may have lost it my hormone levels still would be elevated now and would probably be at the point where it would be able to pick it up, so off to walmart I went. I got back and took the test and sure enough it came up positive..everyone keeps telling me I still might be pregnant but with what I saw and the way I feel I honestly don't think I am. I will be going to the doctor when I get back to check everything out, but I don't have my hopes up at all. For about the past month I've had the symptoms I did when I got pregnant with Kyler and just within he past few days alot of those are gone..even though my emotions are all over the place. I have pretty much cried everytime I am by myself...I just keep thinking of all the things I've done in the past few weeks that could have caused it or what I could have done to prevent it. I have loved our vacation but its also hard being away from home while I'm dealing with this..phone calls and text from my mom and best friends just aren't the same as having them in person to try and comfort me. Everytime I see Kyler doing something I think I about had another one and would have one day been doing the samethings..and how it warms my heart when he smiles and to have had another one that would do the same would just be amazing. I know at some point we will try for another one..I just am having a hard time thinking of such a sweet spirit passing away, with out me even getting to meet them. I don't know how some people get through losing their little ones when they are further along and have been able to bond with them because I hadn't even had that and am a mess.I know it is for the better! Because at least they don't have to live in this very sinful world with all of the evil surrounding us..and that they can be in heaven and do what the Lord needs them to there. I know I will be able to meet them someday and that thought makes me happier, I am so grateful for the plan of salvation and for my Savior!!